Taking Out Your Stresses On Eachother

WAGSofSCI

If you're in a relationship with someone who is paralyzed, its common for you both to get frustrated once in a while (ok... maybe more like once a day sometimes) and take your stresses out on one another. Yes - of course, there are MANY reasons to be stressed out living this SCI life (for both of you), but is it ever ok to take out your stresses on each other just because they're there?

This is a topic that most of us deal with on a daily basis. For him - He may be frustrated because of something to do with his injury - maybe he's resentful or angry... but you are the one who gets yelled at when its not even really about you. For you - you're stressed out because you have so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it. You may be annoyed and aggravated - so you yell at him.. even though your frustrations have nothing to do with him. Then an argument erupts, feelings get hurt, and no one ever wins. 

This is just an example of something a lot of us deal with on a daily basis when the stresses of spinal cord injury are involved. Some of us are caregivers full time, as well as partners, and this can definitely take a toll on our relationships. 

However, there are always healthy and positive ways to deal with stress - and taking your stresses out on the person you love the most - your partner - can be avoided with proper techniques in managing your own personal stress and frustration level. 

Do you ever experience reactiveness due to stress? How do YOU handle your stress? How do you and your partner effectively manage your own mental health so that you can be loving and solid partners? 

If you are injured, how do you manage the stress and frustration that comes from dealing with your SCI? Do you ever take your stress out on your caregiver?

Comment below!

anlyerla

Yes, he gets frustrated. But honestly, I can count on one hand in three years (married two) that he's taken those frustrations out on me. He's very good at not lashing out. 

Yes, I get frustrated. I definitely don't handle it as well as he does. I'm almost always the one who escalates thing and makes stupid and inaccurate comments like "I have to do everything." And other similar statements. 

I don't handle stress well. I never have. Right now, I'm in therapy. I'm also making my physical health a priority which in turn helps my mental health.  Jake says he can see a huge difference in my temperament when I get adequate exercise. 

Because I feel overwhelmed easily, I have to be especially cognitive about how I choose to react. 

Jake and I were actually discussing this at length today because Dr. Phil aired a very controversial episode on the lover/caretaker roles and how those relationships never last. 

kurashley

This post is so relatable!!! I’m usually the one taking my frustrations out on my fiancé (unfortunately and embarrassing enough.) He is so good at taking the time to settle his emotions and remain calm. Some days I don’t know how he does it, or how impressive it is. There are little things I get frustrated over, and in the long run when I sit down and think about it, I remind myself how much all of the SCI frustrates him and it almost feels as if I don’t even have the right to be so frustrated. I can’t imagine some days how frustrating he feels, or how the simple day to day tasks changed for him. Instead of lashing out I’ve been trying to be better with how I handle my emotions and feelings. By the end of the argument it usually ends with me feeling guilty and realizing how hurtful I must have been. I’m learning to leave the room or take some time for myself, before I say something hurtful and I can’t take back. 

WAGSofSCI

Okay ladies, I think we have a running theme here...we are the ones that get easily frustrated/ "lash out"/ are feeling overwhelmed....

Lol.... How could we not? 
I'm mostly laughing because my partner loved to inform me of how "unreasonable" my thoughts are....especially during negotiation. It's actually quite therapeutic to read these comments and realize that we are all doing the very best we can. There is NO formula to behaving a certain way. The guilt that you're talking about  @kurashley stems from something much deeper (maybe  someway you felt from your childhood) guilt is a learned behavior. 

@anlyerla
I think you make some valid points, and thank you for this.
First, nobody is perfect. Secondly, it's actually pretty awesome that you can recognize what you need and how you two communicate. 

-Elena