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Making love after SCI

iamdadmaniamdadman Posts: 186Moderator Moderator
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in Sexual Intimacy
I have been paralyzed for a little over eight years now.  I have been with my wife for over 45 years.  We always had a great sex life and immediately following my injury, what had come easily and naturally was now extremely difficult.  First off, my wife didn't want to have sex because she felt guilty because while she was still able to achieve orgasm, I was not.  She found it difficult to understand why I would even want to make love when I could not orgasm or even feel her touches.  I am a T2 so anything below my nipple line is unfeeling.  I can honestly remember the first couple of times after sex, and she orgasmed, she would break down in tears with guilt and sadness.  After a while we overcame that issue with discussion and patient understanding.  Even though I am 67 years old I must have really high levels of testosterone because I still have an incredible strong sex drive.  We now engage in sexual activity about once a week and it is an expression of love and passion.  I still find my wife extremely desirable and even though lovemaking is much different than what it was, I get a lot of pleasure from making love to my wife.  We have found different ways too make love; one way is in the shower, another is role playing.  I still love performing oral sex and touching her all over.  There is a lot of anxiety and apprehension about SEX after SCI but based on your partner and sincere communication, making love can still be a very enjoyable experience.  
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  • ZcollieZcollie Posts: 213Moderator Moderator
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    I have been paralyzed for eight years. I broke my neck when I was 15 and now I am 24. I never had sex until after my injury. After my injury happened I thought no one would ever want to have sex with me and I didn't know if I even could anymore. Fast forward to now, I have been in an amazing relationship for a little over a year and our sex life is great. It is definitely  awkward at first, but as time goes by you figure out what works best for you. My partner and I have figured out a way for me to reach ejaculation, which is great, but only with a vibrator. Vaginal stimulation is not enough for me. I have two different vibrators the magic wand and viberect x3. At first it was really hard for my girlfriend in the beginning. It hurt her that she could not naturally make my body do that, but I always tell her that it has nothing to do with her or her body. It is the stupid SCI. As Iamdadman shared above, my girlfriend also feels guilty when she reaches orgasm and I don't. It doesn't bother me even though I know she wishes I could every time. I personally enjoy doing the pleasuring. As long as she is having a great time so am I. Plus there are many other ways of being intimate without penetration. It is absolutely still possible to have a great sex life with a SCI. I am an open book about this so feel free to ask me any questions!
    Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. -SONIA RICOTTI
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  • FROYDELAPENAFROYDELAPENA Posts: 4Member ✭
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    LET'S ROCK THIS DISCUSSION by asking everyone's opinion about SEXUAL SURROGACY

    SEX is a topic that almost everyone wants to hear, learn, or even want to experience but not everyone want to participate in. Why? Is it because of our society? Religion? Morality? Just keep in mind, what is right or moral for us maybe wrong or immoral for others and vice versa.. We all have different beliefs and culture. What is normal in one society or culture may not be normal to others (and vice versa), isn't it?

    While others are fortunate to have someone to want to have SEX, INTIMACY, RELATIONSHIP, CONNECTION, BELONGING, BOOTY CALL, or whatever you call it... others are not that fortunate to have that kind of person to have sex with or to be intimate with. And YES, I'm not just talking about paralysis here but also other type of disability especially those who can't even DIY (Do It Yourself or masturbate).

    Click here >>> to view one of the many sexual surrogacy videos on YouTube that may or may not even open your mind. Personally, I feel so lucky and blessed but feeling for sorry for others. 

    Please let have an open mind, remain non-judgmental and perhaps, we can all learn from each other about this SEXUAL SURROGACY topic... we want to hear your honest, uncensored opinion on this issue.
    I'm not even sure if this post will be allowed by the Moderator (due to minors in this site) but if this kind of topic isn't allowed, please feel free to delete this post.
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  • FROYDELAPENAFROYDELAPENA Posts: 4Member ✭
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    edited February 2019
    i just found my duplicate comment and for some reason i can't find the delete button so I'm just replacing my duplicate comment with this comment
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  • ZcollieZcollie Posts: 213Moderator Moderator
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    @FROYDELAPENA Wow this is a really interesting topic to talk about and something I have never thought about before. Makes me grateful for what I have. I watched the Youtube video and thought it is was an interesting idea, but a little weird to me. However, I do understand the point of it. Sex is definitely a topic to talk about!
    Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. -SONIA RICOTTI
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  • Dan_GottliebDan_Gottlieb Posts: 15Moderator Moderator
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    I am 72 and am a C5-6 quadriplegic for the last 40 years. The first time my wife and I tried to make love after the accident, she touched my face and felt great. Then she moved her hand to my shoulders and then it moved down below my sensory level. I began to cry and say "don't touch me where I am dead."
    We struggled with sex before our divorce. Like in the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall, I always wanted more and she wanted less.

    I've lived with a couple of women and have enjoyed oral sex with them.

    But 10 years ago, I met a woman I fell wildly in love with (thank goodness. the reverse is true also!) And now lovemaking is a completely different thing.

    Now I am truly making love. My desire is simply to please my partner. But there's more. When we make love, I so enjoy oral sex like I never have before. I get aroused and she makes noises and moves her body in response to what I touch and how I touch it. I get aroused by the scents and tastes. And when she reaches orgasm, my heart is pounding and I feel the same rest when we are done that I always have.

    It is about making love, and there are a thousand ways of doing that.
    Dr. Dan,

    Daniel Gottlieb PhD
    WWW.DrDanGottlieb.com

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  • iamdadmaniamdadman Posts: 186Moderator Moderator
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    Thanks everyone for the really great comments.  I am so glad we all feel comfortable enough to discuss this personal topic.  
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  • ZcollieZcollie Posts: 213Moderator Moderator
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    I agree! @iamdadman
    Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. -SONIA RICOTTI
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  • wheelchairwarlockwheelchairwarlock Posts: 18Member ✭
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    I just bought a Viberect X3 and my girlfriend and I are going to use it soon. I'm so excited because I haven't orgasmed in almost 5 years now, the entire duration of my injury. My question is, should I be worried about autonomic dysreflexia?
    As one judge said to another: "Be just and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” - William S. Burroughs 
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  • WAGSofSCIWAGSofSCI Posts: 354Moderator Moderator
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    @Zcollie
    @wheelchairwarlock
    How long did it take (or how many uses)  for the Viberect to work? We have heard mixed reviews in our community about its effectiveness. Its hit or miss.. thoughts?

    -Brooke
    Your WAGS of SCI
    (Elena and Brooke)
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  • ZcollieZcollie Posts: 213Moderator Moderator
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    @WAGSofSCI I have had success with the viberect x3. However, it is a hit or miss with me reaching orgasm. I think it is more of my bodies issue than the vibrators. The vibrator works great! I just don't under why certain times my body does ejaculate and other times no matter how long I use it I cant get to that point. It really frustrates me when this happens. Same thing when I use my magic wand. Sometimes it works for me and other times nothing. I don't know if it is because I have urine in my bladder or if it is a bladder related issue. I have noticed I personally have less success if I smoke before or prior during the day, which sucks because smoking helps with my CRAZY body spasms. But when my body ejaculates it COMPLETELY KILLS my body spams for a few hours. It is nice to know that my body can do it but is really frustrating when it doesn't.    
    Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. -SONIA RICOTTI
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  • wheelchairwarlockwheelchairwarlock Posts: 18Member ✭
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    @WAGSofSCI
    I haven't gotten it in the mail yet actually, but hopefully I will find out soon.
    As one judge said to another: "Be just and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” - William S. Burroughs 
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  • wheelchairwarlockwheelchairwarlock Posts: 18Member ✭
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    @Zcollie About how much would you say that you smoke in a day and do you take any other meds for spasticity?
    As one judge said to another: "Be just and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” - William S. Burroughs 
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  • wheelchairwarlockwheelchairwarlock Posts: 18Member ✭
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    edited June 2019
    @Zcollie Also do you get autonomic dysreflexia?
    As one judge said to another: "Be just and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” - William S. Burroughs 
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  • ctlive2skictlive2ski Posts: 4Member ✭
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    As a 64 yr old woman who used to always have an orgasm and still can’t after almost 8 yrs of being hemi paralyzed , I want to have sex with my husband (who is extremely understanding), but the frustration of not being able to have one really made it tough for us the 1st 3 years. I cried every time.

    So I went to a dr who tried a PRP (plasma rich protein) injection. Still nothing. But she did recommend a really cute vibrator. Now honestly everyone, I had never (maybe once) used one, but this one is actually kinda fun. 
    We have found other ways to make lovemaking enjoyable, and I am no longer upset about my “inadequacy.”  

    Thank you iamdadman and Dan_Gottlieb for your comments relating to your partners. My husband always says he likes to perform oral sex, but I wondered if it was really true. Dan, your description was beautiful.
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  • iamdadmaniamdadman Posts: 186Moderator Moderator
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    @ctlive2ski
    Thank you for sharing the whole sex thing from a woman's perspective.  Yes, my wife and I still make love and I love to perform oral sex when we do.  My only problem, and I am not even sure it is a problem is that since I cannot achieve orgasm, I just want to keep going and going.  My wife.... not so much.  We are 68 and she is going to be 68 on September 9 so I guess I just have an overabundance of testosterone...lol

    Joe
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  • ctlive2skictlive2ski Posts: 4Member ✭
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    Hmmm, iamdadman, how do I explain this in a positive way? I happen to be in “not so much category,” but, in my case, oral sex always led to orgasm. Now that it doesn’t, it’s not as much fun for me. Sometimes boring. Also, with atrophic changes from menopause, the constant licking can just be irritating after a while. Estrogen cream has definitely helped that. Oh and, every once in a blue moon, the whole Catholic guilt thing creeps in. Thankfully it’s been years since that occurred.

    I don’t know about your hormone levels (lol), but I find your desire to please your wife and to continue to have intimate conversations admirable. My husband and I also have very open and honest conversations. So at least we all have that.
    It’s just so tough to have had something and then lose it (as we all know).
    Chris
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  • Mnichols23Mnichols23 Posts: 43Moderator Moderator
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    @zcara55 I’ve never heard of that! I’ve been injured for 5 1/2 years. I have had sex after my injury but I’ve never ejaculate. At first it was definitely awkward but I’ve gotten used to it.It doesn’t bother me much as long as I’m able to please my partner 
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  • ZcollieZcollie Posts: 213Moderator Moderator
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    @wheelchairwarlock It kind of depends on the day. Some days I smoke more than others. I think if I smoke too much it relaxes my muscles so much that I cannot get to the point of finishing. I have experienced AD from ejaculating. I get the worst throbbing headache of my life. It feels like my head is going to explode but it goes away within 10 minutes. That rarely happens to me though. I don’t know why sometimes it does or the cause of it. Hope this info helped. 
    Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. -SONIA RICOTTI
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  • iamdadmaniamdadman Posts: 186Moderator Moderator
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    @ctlive2ski
    Chris,
    Yes, I have always enjoyed sex immensely.  To me it was a physical demonstration of my love for my wife.  Plus, it felt really good. :-)  I always had a much stronger sex drive than my wife.  It was something we compromised on for our marriage.  I think that you are right and not only do I want sex but I want sex the way it used to be...

    Joe
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  • waianaesarawaianaesara Posts: 4Member ✭
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    New normal. I hate that phrase. How do you ever stop the feelings of not feeling and being too sensitive in other areas? I can't get past how self conscious I am about my body now. I'm all twisted up. I don't know as I'd ever want to even try with someone and it be too awkward.
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  • wheelchairwarlockwheelchairwarlock Posts: 18Member ✭
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    @waianaesara I know how you feel, I feel about the same way most of the time. I almost had sex not too long ago but the relationship kind of eroded, because of me mostly, before it got to that point. So now I'm back to hopelessly single again. I know this isn't a very motivating comment but for me at least it helps to know that there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. I'm having so much trouble with state benefits that sex probably won't even be on my priority list for a while, even though I feel desperate for sex and love almost daily now.
    As one judge said to another: "Be just and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” - William S. Burroughs 
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  • stephanie426stephanie426 Posts: 15Moderator Moderator
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    Girl,  I feel you @waianaesara. I used to be INCREDIBLY self conscious of my body - especially my scars.  And of course,  there's always the panic of accidentally pooping or something (at least for me). So for a long time I would only have sex with someone I was in a long term relationship with (5 months or more). Looking back, I think that might be ridiculous.  Then, when I was in law school I broke up with my fiance, moved to Miami, put myself on OkCupid, and decided that I'm incredible and completely screwable - so if I wanted to have sex with someone and they wanted to have sex with me,  then it was going to happen.  I was done letting myself get in my own way.  After all,  I was the only one saying negative things about myself,  none of the guys were.  So, before having sex,  I'd have some frank conversations with the guy about my body and what might happen.  I also learned to communicate EXACTLY what I wanted,  and that's when I learned that when you tell your partner exactly what you want, you get what you want, and you're more likely to be satisfied.  I became so confident in myself and in my body.  Now I have a great (different) fiancé and a great sex life because I'm confident,  I know what I want, I'm comfortable with my body, I'm comfortable having conversations about what might happen, and I'm not embarasssed to show my scars or to stop everything if an accident happens. You can get there girl! Practice,  practice, practice! 
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  • iamdadmaniamdadman Posts: 186Moderator Moderator
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    @stephanie426
    I absolutely loved your share.  We can all learn from your journey to living on purpose and embracing your self worth!!!
    Joe
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  • MSpinMSpin Posts: 2Member ✭
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    edited January 15
    Very well said by @Dan_Gottlieb. There is n age or no other way to feel life is beautiful if you are in a great relationship. www.marcspinozamassage.com/the-need-for-human-touch/
    www.marcspinozamassage.com/how-to-create-intimacy/
    Some of my feelings want to share with all of you.



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